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you know, food hatering

i'm just your average writer and content strategist specializing in new media, design, food and sustainability.



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alltheumbles @ gmail.com

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1 July 11

it’s a bummer night, watching the road (NOT on instant) and drinking the saddest iced tea and gin “cocktail” on earth. hard to figure out which of those two options is the bigger bummer, rite?

actually, the saddest cocktail on earth that i ever made had a half a can of that thai basil seed drink mixed with some whiskey. i didn’t know that the thai basil seed drink was a little gelatinous and had the little dots in it when i poured it out and let’s just say that the mixing element didn’t quite stay mixt for more than about 10 seconds, so then i just had a nice top layer of whiskey and a nice bottom layer of straight frog egg lookin basil fucking seeds. that was probably a sadder cocktail. sadder than the road.

i mean, is it even technically “drinking and watching netflix instant” if i’m not even watching netflix instant? did you know that it doesn’t even recommend scifi to me anymore cuz i watched all of them?

anyway, this post concerns innovative marketing strategies to increase popularity of the blog. you know, i’ve been reading a lot about great ways to build a community of really supportive fans of my crazymoneymaking blog. but you know how i feel about everyone else out there in the foodternet - i fucking hate them, so i don’t want to be their friend. so i’m not sure if like your standard “lol love the post shit that shit looks good enough to eat mmm. PLIS VISIT UMBLEPIE.TUMBLR.COM” commenting strategy is going to work.

so i wonder if it would be better to work on a different promotion strat, you know, utilize the place where i feel most at home, capitalize on my native element: shine.yahoo.com. unfortunately when i thought of that, it became pretty apparent that some other asshole was already milking that goldenass calf. that asshole’s name is jarret garret nee jaer ereiol.

jarret garret: fuck you

why are you fucking terribly viralizing promoting your shitty cookbook on shine yahoo food blog?

 

UGH THIS ASSHOLE IS DOING IT ALL THE TIME LIKE ON EVERY POST. he even does it on posts outside of shine food blog…for example, this one was on a yahoo relationships post:

and according to the internet, there should be a jarret garret post on a massively commented upon michelle obama post:

AND AFTER CLICKING THROUGH 5 MILLION FUCKING PAGES OF COMMENTSS ABOUT MICHELLE OBAMA’S DRESS I COULD NOT FUCKING FIND IT.

FUCK i clicked thru all those comment pages. google lied to me. there is no jarrett garret comment on this michelle obama dress yahoo fashion blog post. do not try to click through all of these yourself. cuz you’ll be just as disappointed as i was. very disappinted…

anyway, my own simmering resentment at clicking through 300 pages of comments and the resulting resigned “fail at life” feeling was clearly not felt by my community of fellow shine food blog readers. with typical gusto, they brought their shivs and brass knuckles:

what IS that cookbook he spams? what happens if i do go ahead and google “get in the kitchen cookbook”???

oh, that’s cool, i get the following book sold on amazon.com: get in the kitchen, bit@ces and its sequel get BACK in the kitchen, bit@ces.

is it…is it a lolfoodcookbook? are they promoting lolfood? they definitely have a website…looks very lulzy :\

it’s got great amazon reviews. mostly from people who have reviewed nothing else ever on amazon they have been so moved by “get in the kitchen, bitches,” in a way that they have never been moved by any other product that they have bought on amazon out of all the many products that they have reviewed that they now thought “never before today did i want to review an amazon product. no, i was never stirred either by satisfaction nor disgust to go ahead and review a product i had bought off amazon. all these years i have felt merely neutral toward every product bought with the fever dream of having that creative spark lit like the first flame that neanderthal man created with his bare half animal, half human hands.  i have longed, i have so longed, to feel that primal roar within, that feeling of electric shiver that stirs the fingers to amazon review. never before, that is, until the get in the kitchen, bitches cookbook. now, after so many years of aching, empty longing, THIS is an amazon product worth reviewing.”

some reviewers were moved by other products:

i guess it must have been a particularly special tower case, i understand the feeling.

but is this one of those selfpublished piles of bullshit, or is this a legit lolfood publication? who published this book anyway? oh, whipped and beaten culinary works? looks like they are very active on the internet. they want to spread lolfood. wonder if they will publish my tumblr bookdeal? ( why do i get so selfish so fast lol. just want a bookdeal :(((((()

anyway, there are layers upon layers of desire loaded onto “get in the kitchen, bi@hes.” do they promote on other blogs besides shine food blog? why do they promote a “man-oriented” cookbook on shine food blog for women? is it a gag-gift marketing strat? how can i get in on this action? how did they decide to start spamming shine food blog? do they know that everyone hates them on shine food blog? is the teaser of “it’s not quite pc” some kind of neg for liberals? are they courting the actively racist cookbook demographic or the lulz-seeking masses of middle aged american women browsing shine food blog for non-spicy and healthy enchilada recipes while dreaming of great gifts for their husbands that JUST MIGHT GET THEM TO COOK FOR A CHANGE HA? will i ever reach the end of the internet where all “guerilla markteting on shine food blog” answers are answered, or will it forever be a patchwork quilt of mystery wrapped in a shitcake of amateur comedy food writing…?

Themed by Hunson. Originally by Josh