how to turn your london group flat into an east bay dreamhouse
what you’re starting with: one shared apartment in london occupied by some london people, a swiss vegetarian, a german girl, a basil plant, and a juicer.
1. hang out in common space, chill with housemates in common space
2. suggest to the flatmate with the juicer that it’d be really easy to compost the juice pulp leftover crap.
3. when having fun chilling in the common space, mention offhand that you have a friend who is visiting and you’d like to invite them over for dinner. suggest that it might be fun if you all had a potluck together for the entire house.
4. “accidentally” buy too much green tea. let the rest of the house know that you have too much and that they are welcome to have some whenever.
5. oh man, somehow i wound up with all of these jalapenos! i couldn’t just let them go to waste, so i made all this salsa! but it’s too much for me, so i really need you guys to help get through it!
6. start a sill herb garden.
7. start bringing things in from the street. ideal: a stand that is perfect for an empty spot next to a sunny window. expand the sill herb garden.
8. since we seem to go through so many lentils, maybe we should just go ahead and buy a whole thing of lentils in bulk together. i mean, while we’re at it, maybe one of those 20 pound bags of rice too?
9. pickling and/or canning
10. start assembling or disassembling something that’s too big for your room and can’t be done in a day. work on the thing in the common space and start leaving the thing all disassembled or partially assembled. bikes are perfect.
11. keep bringing in things off the street. these are great for expanding the number of things you assemble/disassemble and leave in the common areas of the house.
12.start brewing beer
13. start working on an unreasonable building project.
my love of the food horoscope is fairly well-documented. my interest never waned! at this point, several years into the relationship with the food horoscope, i feel confident enough to perhaps steer the featherweight ship through some murky astral waters myself. perhaps, the stars have foretold a future for me in food horoscope publications?
as part of my pitch to the editors of the horoscope.com food bureau, here are some analyses for scorpios for the month of march:
Mar 21: you will hurt a friend today over dumb bullshit. you will remember that hurting the people close to you is exactly how your father treats people. have a really fresh kosher dill pickle - you share a love of these with your father as well.
Mar 22: you will feel a lot of regret over hurting your friend and will send a very thoughtful and heartfelt apology. good for you! just remember that this is exactly the way you behaved the last million times you hurt someone. maybe try to not be a dick in the first place hm? would it kill you to invite her over for veggie pho too?
Mar 23: try to get out of the filthy house today because god knows you can’t be bothered to clean it. being in nature helps, but remember that wherever you go, you are still there. bring tea sandwiches!
Mar 24: try to not think about the future today. take it easy with a pack of “customizeable” ramen noodles!
Mar 25: anhedonia!
Mar 26: you’re focused on the past today. your past will never leave you and will continue to silently shape your every movement forever. make a leftover hash!
Mar 27: you won’t let someone love you today - wounded self pity this time. temper the loathing with a creamy bowl of soup (go easy on the salt - salt is the number one contributor to heart disease!)
Mar 28: a brief respite today! make sure to enjoy an outdoor brunch and let the rest of the day sink into oblivion as you fail to accomplish any other plan you had for what surely seemed like it would be a productive day.
Mar 29: drive away new coworker friends with the dazzling intensity of your world pessimism. it will never be possible for vegan yogurt to taste like the actual thing.
Mar 30: tick tock - time to halfheartedly clean your house as you remind yourself that you better keep the house clean as you only have another 40-60 years of taking care of yourself ahead of you. maybe it’s a good day to put up some tomatoes?
Mar 31: you will lie awake in bed realizing that you like no aspect of your current life. you will also understand that you will never do anything about this. don’t think about the future.
Of course, as I was constructing it, Ed wandered over from the Overlord’s lair (as he is wont to do when there’s cooking going on) and said to me, “what’s cooking?”
"A sandwich for a recipe I’m working on. Sort of like a muffuletta," I replied.
"Oh, a vegetarian muffuletta,” was Ed’s response. Now don’t get me wrong—contemptful is the last thing that comes to mind when you think of Ed, but in this instance, he couldn’t help hiding his tone of disapproval.
"Just for that, you don’t get to try any," I told him. (I was lying).
The thing that bothered me was the implied notion that vegetarian/vegan food is vegetarian/vegan first, and food afterwards, and once you’ve outed yourself as a vegan, that attitude seems to follow you wherever you go. I myself used to treat vegans in a similar way.
NO. OF COURSE THEY CAN’T. JESUS KENJI ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE
KEEEENNNNJJJIIIII YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DUMB:
Perhaps this tipping point will never occur and vegans will always have to live through these mild prejudices. I know that I certainly will no longer feel that way.
gee i wonder if this part is going to end with him comparing himself to beethoven:
Unlike Mozart and the other great improvisers, as a composer, Beethoven would write, erase, toss out, start over, erase again, and repeat until some of his manuscripts were literally completely worn through with holes from repeatedly writing and scratching sections out.
this is the closest i’ve come to eraserhead since that first time. there’s nothing quite like indignant selfpity to stir one to blog.
apparently this young white woman is discovering really cool corners of the internet and compositing them into a really cool new phenomenon - single topic gimmick tumblrs. in fact, her coolest single topic tumblr is on people who take screenshots of themselves doing sl porn. she did this from may 30th to sept 21st 2011. and she appears to be not very tolerant of the wide panoply of human sexuality: “Awful stills from Second Life made for those who cannot get laid in First Life. ”
have we all not gotten high and trolled people’s flickrs who only post pictures of themselves in second life, preferrably the flickrs where it’s just pictures of them over and over, sometimes with their friends having fun, but mostly them? it doesn’t all have to be sexual, it’s enough that they like taking pictures of themselves.
it’s not like it’s been a hobby of mine since 2006.
but you know, that’s cool. a lot of things have happened since it’s been a while. for example, i found out that i am 1 degree of separation from the genius that runs my favorite food blog: everydayrussian.com. specifically, i was in the same graduating high school class as the everday bang material that he calls his girlfriend. i don’t remember her very well except for one day after school when we were all waiting at the bus shelter and she was like “soo are you like supposed to be alternative?” it was a time, the pathetic 90s. it was definitely a time.
other than that, i’ve really lost the thread of things. i have a lot of saved drafts…one has the title “”this guy looks like the gross lovechild of charles manson and karl marx”” and the text “this post wass all about the night before new year’s eve at berkeley bowl, but since i am watching eyeborg on netflix instant aaaaand ” …not sure what that one was about, but eyeborg was ok. it wasn’t as good as that canadian movie where i think the aliens were made out of plants, or they were turning people into plants, or maybe the greenhouses were actually making alien plants that turned people into aliens.
other than that, heidi’s apparently making miso sesame winter squash and i guess in the 636 serious eats posts i haven’t read kenji j lopez alt has gone vegan? who would’ve thought amirite???? let’s just say that serious eats is the pork-eating self-righteous asshole husband who will tell you his really interesting thoughts about vegetables that he’s learned in the last 11 days as a vegan and thekitchn.com is the “always looking for a great new easily-packaged salad for lunch” wife in the relationship - i certainly assume that everyone else reading this blog has been thinking of that relationship between these two blogs the same way.
and me? not much here. disheartened at the addition of the “dogs allowed?” category on yelp, attempting to replace the alcohol food group with sugar, eating ground oranges from the tree in my building’s yard - apparently it’s broken ground orange season!, feeling bad for “wonkette alum” juli weiner’s posts on vanity fair (definitely not the right venue for her astute food-related observations. i used to hate anyone that had a job at wonkette, but now i kind of like her because she is so clearly ill-suited to that vanityfair.com crowd and because i’m jealous that she got a real photographer to take pictures ofher array).
i’m just not really sure how to really describe my disappointment with david byrne and cindy sherman’s turkey art. cindy sherman didn’t even bother to submit anything this year. i guess david byrne tried to make up for it with 2 submissions, both uninspired. i was kind of interested in turkey tartare and in the amount of flat leaf parsley in bbq turkey loaf, but then i noticed that last year some other person had turkey tartare as well. which led to me seeing that last year’s david byrne was turkey pumpkin pie, and then i guess that was just it. it wasn’t even close to my personal favorite (“last year’s leftovers”). although the incomplete, haphazard nature of the whipped cream does raise some (fairly pedestrian) questions about his intentions at all. his 2009 entry was pretty good.
lol what’s that food like down at occupy wall street?
real things from the anonymous suggest box at my work
substantial pastries for busy teenagers
redwood creek winery totally revamped their brand imaging and logo
trying to not get pepperoncini on my sandwich from the deli
the problems with having different kinds of teas being too acidic for your system
what are some good side dishes for thanksgiving?
just pictures of trash on the street in san francisco, i have one that’s like a menu from some fancyass restaurant. and i shit you not there was a wrapper for little squirrel candy on the street in our neighborhood a week ago.
well, it was inevitable. let’s just say that this shitshow got started as a group project where the other person fantastically failed to contribute (I KNOW YOU READ THIS. YOU ARE READING IT RIGHT NOW AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I STILL HATE YOU. WHEN ARE YOU NEXT COMING TO VISIT?). as a result, it has never been complete with only one contributor that attracts 3 readers. clearly the sole steward’s depression, apathy, ”drinking levels that would be considered normal in europe,” apathy, dull dead eyes that stare vacantly slackward, typing fingers that rest delicately up the butt instead of on the keyboard, and other problems, are keeping this blog from reaching 5 readers.
so in the hopes of DOUBLING the posting schedule to perhaps once a week (or fewer i’m flexible!), if you, a reader, want to contribute in some way with your words or pictures, don’t fucking all stand up right now, but if you do, then you need to let me know.
although of course preferred candidates can easily imagine themselves in a meditterranean rural summer, half-rushing with that mediterranean enthusiasm at me barely holding on to a huge basket that’s spilling lulz all over the place and you try your best to keep all the luls in but they keep falling out! and you know, you want to bring the luls as quickly as possible so you’re doing that irregular hurried walk and laughing a little at the whole situation, but the faster you try to walk down that dusty dirt path, the more they just spill hilariously around! and it’s just a funny scene overall!
anyway, just write to me whichever way you prefer, even if you are some mystery 4th reader that i don’t know about, and we can have you making papaya blingees in no time flat.
castle rock wine opened and corked 10 days ago and fear and loathing in las vegas
this quiz is for all californianas and californians at heart. please open a new text doc and give yourself one point for every item below that you can answer “yes, i’ve thought that when traveling outside of california.” at the end please tally the score up.
for a gas station salad bar, this is pretty good
i just don’t feel like i’m getting a lot of nutrition from this salad bar salad.
i really should think of this less as a salad and more as a “plate of raw vegetable crudites”
i can’t believe this gas station has no apples or even bananas. at the last gas station, i got a 2 for 1 deal on bananas.
i suppose the protein at breakfast is worth the corn syrup in this single container of smooth peanut butter
i don’t even remember the last time i had a red delicious apple that was so good! probably should take another one from the continental breakfast basket for the road.
fuck why did i mess around getting a normal sized waffle machine when i could have gotten one of these “4 tiny waffles” waffle machines
man i wish i could do math so that i could figure out what percentage of the tubs in this salad bar involve canned items
you know, i actually prefer baby carrots to those carrot shreds that you get sometimes
i don’t feel bad for hating nevada anymore
clearly this buffet got the message that mark bittman thinks that iceberg lettuce is back in style
i will never feel bad about that salad bar by work again
really? canned black olives? not even green?
oh, WHOLE black olives, not slices. these are good!
upon returning to california, real excitement at seeing chickpeas in the salad bar
plan for a salad course followed by a fruit course cuz the last town didn’t have any fruit
halfway through the salad course, realize that you didn’t actually get any chickpeas, look abruptly at where the chickpeas were and realize that in a protein deprived insanity, you completely accepted the chickpea reality of what turned out to be croutons.
that asshole who just walked in, looked at the salad bar, and left the cafe is clearly coming from the california side and heading to nevada. cuz if he was coming from the nevada side to california, he would have gobbled the fuck out of that salad bar with his eyes before preparing to pay whatever it took to eat that salad fucking bar. because the next town in nevada had no fruit let alone fucking vegetables.
if you’ve ever been the only one in polite company who was given canned pineapple as a child and can describe things as “like the juice that you drink at the bottom of the canned pineapple can,” subtract a point
ok, go ahead and tally up your score. here is the scoring system:
if your score is 1 or more, please rate yourself a fucking asshole.
if your score is less than 0, you are clearly not a californian and do not aspire to californianess, so fucking fuck you.
it’s a bummer night, watching the road (NOT on instant) and drinking the saddest iced tea and gin “cocktail” on earth. hard to figure out which of those two options is the bigger bummer, rite?
actually, the saddest cocktail on earth that i ever made had a half a can of that thai basil seed drink mixed with some whiskey. i didn’t know that the thai basil seed drink was a little gelatinous and had the little dots in it when i poured it out and let’s just say that the mixing element didn’t quite stay mixt for more than about 10 seconds, so then i just had a nice top layer of whiskey and a nice bottom layer of straight frog egg lookin basil fucking seeds. that was probably a sadder cocktail. sadder than the road.
i mean, is it even technically “drinking and watching netflix instant” if i’m not even watching netflix instant? did you know that it doesn’t even recommend scifi to me anymore cuz i watched all of them?
anyway, this post concerns innovative marketing strategies to increase popularity of the blog. you know, i’ve been reading a lot about great ways to build a community of really supportive fans of my crazymoneymaking blog. but you know how i feel about everyone else out there in the foodternet - i fucking hate them, so i don’t want to be their friend. so i’m not sure if like your standard “lol love the post shit that shit looks good enough to eat mmm. PLIS VISIT UMBLEPIE.TUMBLR.COM” commenting strategy is going to work.
so i wonder if it would be better to work on a different promotion strat, you know, utilize the place where i feel most at home, capitalize on my native element: shine.yahoo.com. unfortunately when i thought of that, it became pretty apparent that some other asshole was already milking that goldenass calf. that asshole’s name is jarret garret nee jaer ereiol.
jarret garret: fuck you
why are you fucking terribly viralizing promoting your shitty cookbook on shine yahoo food blog?
UGH THIS ASSHOLE IS DOING IT ALL THE TIME LIKE ON EVERY POST. he even does it on posts outside of shine food blog…for example, this one was on a yahoo relationships post:
and according to the internet, there should be a jarret garret post on a massively commented upon michelle obama post:
AND AFTER CLICKING THROUGH 5 MILLION FUCKING PAGES OF COMMENTSS ABOUT MICHELLE OBAMA’S DRESS I COULD NOT FUCKING FIND IT.
FUCK i clicked thru all those comment pages. google lied to me. there is no jarrett garret comment on this michelle obama dress yahoo fashion blog post. do not try to click through all of these yourself. cuz you’ll be just as disappointed as i was. very disappinted…
anyway, my own simmering resentment at clicking through 300 pages of comments and the resulting resigned “fail at life” feeling was clearly not felt by my community of fellow shine food blog readers. with typical gusto, they brought their shivs and brass knuckles:
what IS that cookbook he spams? what happens if i do go ahead and google “get in the kitchen cookbook”???
is it…is it a lolfoodcookbook? are they promoting lolfood? they definitely have a website…looks very lulzy :\
it’s got great amazon reviews. mostly from people who have reviewed nothing else ever on amazon they have been so moved by “get in the kitchen, bitches,” in a way that they have never been moved by any other product that they have bought on amazon out of all the many products that they have reviewed that they now thought “never before today did i want to review an amazon product. no, i was never stirred either by satisfaction nor disgust to go ahead and review a product i had bought off amazon. all these years i have felt merely neutral toward every product bought with the fever dream of having that creative spark lit like the first flame that neanderthal man created with his bare half animal, half human hands. i have longed, i have so longed, to feel that primal roar within, that feeling of electric shiver that stirs the fingers to amazon review. never before, that is, until the get in the kitchen, bitches cookbook. now, after so many years of aching, empty longing, THIS is an amazon product worth reviewing.”
some reviewers were moved by other products:
i guess it must have been a particularly special tower case, i understand the feeling.
anyway, there are layers upon layers of desire loaded onto “get in the kitchen, bi@hes.” do they promote on other blogs besides shine food blog? why do they promote a “man-oriented” cookbook on shine food blog for women? is it a gag-gift marketing strat? how can i get in on this action? how did they decide to start spamming shine food blog? do they know that everyone hates them on shine food blog? is the teaser of “it’s not quite pc” some kind of neg for liberals? are they courting the actively racist cookbook demographic or the lulz-seeking masses of middle aged american women browsing shine food blog for non-spicy and healthy enchilada recipes while dreaming of great gifts for their husbands that JUST MIGHT GET THEM TO COOK FOR A CHANGE HA? will i ever reach the end of the internet where all “guerilla markteting on shine food blog” answers are answered, or will it forever be a patchwork quilt of mystery wrapped in a shitcake of amateur comedy food writing…?
guys i don’t think it’s that hard. it’s an internet space history culture time continuum.
here is the map with my concentric circles of culture, internet, space, history, and time:
as you can clearly see, there are 3 loci of fast internet that are at the peak of the history/geography winners circle. i have identified the borders of the time/internet space with easy to understand rectangle borders (pink). the arrows indicate the direction that history, culture, and evolution go. the slower the internet, the more your children learn about being poor and oppressed.
(*****you might have to take a bus on a dirt road with chickens to get to the places with the appropriate level of oppression for your children to really fucking learn.)
please note tho that at the very tips, outside the pink rectangles, you might run into places with no internet at all. these places are actually in the past if you line up where they fall on the culture/history/matrix. please avoid these places because your children need slow internet to learn, not no internet. also you don’t want to actually go in to the past. as the 5 second rule woman says in comments - "NEVER LEAVE YOUR LATTE BEHIND." so be careful. i hope my map is useful for you.
i started reading this really coo lblog that’s like way right from our area- PALO ALTO. i only went there (palo alto) one time and it looked pretty suburban, pretty like car-dependent, but you know, maybe they got some really in-touch bloggers there. you know, california.
it really reminded me of this really awesome book i read this one time
that’s gonna be 5 second rule lady. she’s gonna be havin such a great experience riding a donkey.
she’s gonna be in that grocery store bein all “LF zaatar + slow ass internet” and after reading her post i got really really inspired and i made all these blingees.
♫ aarrraaab grooocccerrrr ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫
just lookin for zaatar and slow internet. just need some slow internet and szzatar - just don’t want any FAST internet. and if you don’t have any internet in your country, i don’t really want to visit you. cuz i am looking for 2 things:
1. slow internet
cuz i don’t want my children to like actually live in deprivation without internet, i want them to learn something from this experience.
so i just want them to not like have full internet deprivation, but just like, learn to appreciate their really good internet connections. cuz I REMEMBER, let’s just say, that I REMEMBER, what it was like when internet was 56.6kbps and i know that my kids have been fortunate enough, here in palo alto, to not ever have had to experience that kind of world. so maybe going to this place where we can buy zaatar might help them learn about the value of their own fast internet connection THROUGH EXPERIENCING THE SLOW INTERNET CONNECTION. does that make sense?
i really also feel like despite the slow internet, they have ladies over there who could totally blog about all the great stuff they’re making over there. like we could really make a connection. i mean, look at this:
these ladies are hte original food bloggers, showing their technique via the best photography that they had available on their slr’s back in their time.
additionally. i feel like we can really bond over the most important meal of hte day: BREAKFAST. (yum!!!)
here are the slow internet ladies enjoying breakfast:
lol here’s palo alto breakfast:
i just feel like we have a lot of connections. we can really do something together. somethng with zaatar. despite their slow internet.
when i did that test a little while back about what writer your writing is like i put in my words that i work so hard on and the first thing i got was raymond chandler - and i was like who is that? it’s like a pulpy, noir guy. i was pretty happy with that, that’s pretty legit as far as a popular medium is concerned. i should’ve just stopped there but i didn’t. so i got the following in the following order on the next chunks of text: cory doctorow, margaret atwood, cory doctorow, cory doctorow.
at that point, i was like WHO IS THIS CORY DOCTOROW GUY? so i learned all about boingboing and how he’s a very well regarded young scifi author and thought leader.
Avi: Do you have any tips for being comfortable with failure and bouncing back?
Seth: I think the people who have read my work, it doesn’t feel right to them, but over time you get used to it, which is failure is the point. That if you’re going to say “failure is not an option” then you’ve just ruled out success as well. Because the only way you get to success is by learning what doesn’t work.
So my goal for 20 years has been to fail more than anyone before me. And I’m succeeding that almost nobody in my industry has failed as many times as I have. If you can fail more than anyone else, then you win. Because if you fail really monstrously large, you don’t get to play again.
So there’s no way you’re going to be able to fail more than anyone else. The goal is to fail new, to fail in an interesting way, to fail in a way that you learn from that you don’t repeat, and to fail not so badly so that you get to do it again.
LOL DOING PRETTY GOOD AT THAT.
Avi: Once you take the initiative, the other thing you can do is you build a tribe around that initiative. It takes a lot of work. What can guide you through the initial lonely stage?
Seth: Well of course building a tribe takes a lot of work. If it didn’t, everyone would do it. This idea of scarcity comes back again and again.
We don’t hesitate, some of us, to go get a job in a coal mine or a factory or working for an insurance company even though we’ve just signed up for 10,000 hours of mind‑numbing, finger‑grinding hard work with no for real upside.
And yet, we look at this prospect of building a tribe of 5,000 or 10,000 or 500,000 people who want to hear what we have to say, who want to go where we are going, who are looking for a leader, and we hesitate.
Actually, you’re not hesitating because you fear the work. You’re hesitating because the resistance fears failure. Getting a job, shredding tires at the factory, we don’t feel that same fear because we know we’re not going to fail.
My argument is that we’re walking into this new culture, this new era, where tribes are so valuable and they’re going to get harder and harder to build. So if you care, and it only works for people who care, then you really have no choice but to go start building your tribe.
NOT BUILDING A TRIBE - HOW TO DO? (WORRIED ABOUT THE WORD “TRIBE” - IS IT RACIST?)
Avi: Do you have any tips for being comfortable with failure and bouncing back?
Seth: I think the people who have read my work, it doesn’t feel right to them, but over time you get used to it, which is failure is the point. That if you’re going to say “failure is not an option” then you’ve just ruled out success as well. Because the only way you get to success is by learning what doesn’t work.
So my goal for 20 years has been to fail more than anyone before me. And I’m succeeding that almost nobody in my industry has failed as many times as I have. If you can fail more than anyone else, then you win. Because if you fail really monstrously large, you don’t get to play again.
So there’s no way you’re going to be able to fail more than anyone else. The goal is to fail new, to fail in an interesting way, to fail in a way that you learn from that you don’t repeat, and to fail not so badly so that you get to do it again
I AM DEFINITELY NOT FAILING IN AN INTERESTING WAY. I AM JUST FAILING IN THE NORMAL WAY. SETH - HOW THE FUCK DO I FAIL IN AN INTERESTING WAY? NEED ADVICE ON THAT SPECIFICALLY.
Avi: What advice would you give your smart kid who’s in high school right now?
Seth: That’s easy. Go start something. Right. There’s no locks on the door. The world marketplace is right there. Go on Craigslist, go on eBay, build a blog, build a website, build a following on Twitter, start a tribe, organize things.
You will learn as you go. No one needs to know you’re in high school. But the benefits that you will get from leading in that way and connecting in that way are very very hard to overstate. Don’t wait for permission. Just start.
THE WORST ADVICE IN TEH WHOLE THING. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVERYONE DOING ART AND IT BEING WROTHWHILE.
i don’t think seth godin helped me. i am really having trouble with failing in an interesting way.
basically i think this all goes back to motivation, inspiration, life changes, creativity, and actualization. so you know i started like exploring beyond food blogs for inspiration cuz like, the truly uninspired vegan meze spread i made for a houseguest this weekend was a way new low. altho i did get a really nice book about miso and tofu and i’ve just really been enjoying these like beautiful upscale really really fresh mezcal cocktails with innovative flavors and all of those great california flavors. with one of those, you really only need one, you know? so it’s not that conducive to bllog post production…
and in a quest for inspiration i’ve just been learning a lot about “digital art” (apparently it’s what i’ve been doing with my blingees hahahaha) and reading this really cool publication called rhizome.org. now please bear with me cuz i know it’s a little different from my usual turf, but i really think that if you stick with me for just a minute you’ll think it’s really cool too.
(questions about die hard: why does the LAPD have a tank? and why does snape look more like 1st commander riker than like nin? :( die hard is truly of its time, yet transcends it as well.)
so now that i know about digital art and that it’s really interesting to repurpose some super marios so that only the clouds show and how there’s a lot that’s really fresh about tryin to make some art with blingees, and how it’s all right to call yourself an artist born in 1986 (“considered an authority on animated gif art”), i figured there must be an angle i can work here in terms of making money or getting a book deal or at the very fucking least living up to my description as an average writer and content strategist specializing in new media, design, food and sustainability. no one says i can’t add “and is considered an authority on really cool digitalart” to the end of that.
so i tried to explore some themes you know? these are a little “out of hte way” from my usual food-related inspiration, but then again, if you are expanding your boundaries and failing in interesting ways, you can’t very well fucking do that with pictures of corn shopped onto kirsten dunst’s hair can you?
i haven’t given you a new vegetarian cookbook and since i’m otherwise out of content, here is the veggie burger cookbook by the morningstar corporation. it is a full, lush text with photos that intimate the same. yet there is a palpable missing element, a lacuna filled with menace and pregnant with meaning: where is the MorningStar Farms® Meal Starters™ Grillers® Recipe Crumbles™ in these books? what does its exclusion mean for us and for society?
here’s the cover - BEAUTIFUL!
this is helpful, a personal touch for a book whose author is a corporation:
what will be inside? just different toppings for veggie burgers? i mean, not much variety you can have just with toppings and stuff cuz the burger itself is actually frozen and you can’t like modify it itself aside from like method of reheating…like microwaving, or grilling, or frying.
anyway, since i don’t abide by internet standards of acceptable behavior, i will spoiler you: there are quite a few recipes that deal with just toppings on veggie burgers -
so i was eager to move beyond the veggie burger toppings arena and into the more creative uses front.
here is the first creative use: a bueatiful veggie burger caprese salad:
i always felt like caprese salads were missing something and that something was a glistening, shuddering veggie burger.
here is the recipe. there are some really helpful instructions for dealing with rotting baby spinach leaves in prewashed salad mix:
although the whole premise behind the next recipe is flawed to the core, this is the first recipe where veggie crumbles would have clearly been better:
ugh a disgusting veggie burger stew. i really don’t understand why this book doesn’t feature hte Morningstar Farms® Meal Starters(TM) Grillers® Recipe Crumbles(TM) product. the book is from 2009, which is many years after i first began using the product as evidenced by my classic recipe for family taco night which, tho only documented in 2009, had been being refined for at least several years before then. for example, did you know that altho the 2009 recipe calls for 1 small fresh tomato, i had previously used 1 large tomato, or for example, only ro*tel and NO fresh tomato. the point is that considering the timing of the publication of the morningstar veggie burger cookbook, the Morningstar Farms® Meal Starters(TM) Grillers® Recipe Crumbles(TM) product was already widely available in krogers and safeways across america - why the omission? why?
another disgusting recipe made more disgusting with the addition of veggie burger yet also baffling due to use of veggie burger and not veggie crumble:
as the description says, the evocation of italy is so strong with this veggie burger frittata that i did just get a mouth boner d’italia when i looked at the picture. there’s something about it that evokes italy to me - but it’s a close call between which one is more evocative of italy between this one and the veggie burger salad caprese.
have your VOICE HEARD:
here is a veggie burger recipe that comes to us straight from the funny mountains of china:
here’s finished product:
sorry i tried to save the blingee for working on it later but i couldn’t edit it again. i guess it came out ok anyway :\ i feel like the main thematic element came through though, so that’s ok.
my favorite recipe in the book though jumps through 5 hoops of necessity before arriving to rest on a bed of a microwave-safe fiesta bowl:
black bean dip doesn’t normally have meat, but this one has veggie burger that you’ve torn up into little pieces. black bean dip doesn’t normally have cream cheese, but this one does. black bean dip might have spices, but the main spicy element referred to in the title here comes from prepackaged medium-spicy thick-and-chunky jarred salsa - please don’t use spicy jarred salsa :(. this also involves the use of a slowcooker and 3 hours. if i was rich, i would make this to find out how it was because i was invested in you and in blog gimmicks. but unfortunately i am poor and i don’t have a pressure cooker so.. sol :( .
but what i do have is imagination. and here is what i imagined that the veggie burger black bean dip would look like in my mind:
one day, when my kickstarter fund for a pressure cooker for veggie-burger-related-uses-only tops up, maybe on that day i will make some veggie burger black bean dip.
UUUUUUGH the $3 sandwich rule was invented for a reason. we do not buy sandwiches that cost less than $3 for a very good reason (it’s private). and when we break the rule, we have to eat the whole sandwich even tho it’s unclear what the “meat” part of hte veggie banh mi is made of (usually you can tell like tofu, or shredded yuba, or seitan, you know) and there’s so much more bread than filling. just so much more bread. this is rapidly turning into THE banh mi debacle of the mid-2011s. i don’t want to have to start a fight on this, but really this is a nightmare.
UGH guess i’ll just have to drink the entirety of this alcohol to deal with the pain. and it’s getting so bad that i’m not even watching netflix, i’m just watching commercials on youtube.
you know, the chicagoland electronics chain fretter disappeared from tv in the mid-90s when i knew them by the tagline “it’s always better to buy at fretter”:
but apparently a major source of their decline was the inability to settle on a slogan. i can barely even find a commercial that has the “it’s always better to buy at fretter” slogan. these other ones have “if you want fretter prices you’ve got to shop at fretter,” and some other ones. sorry i lost steam after i saw that first one. the FUCKING POINT is that who are these people watching these fretter commercials with me?
1,453 assholes watched this with me. 1 of them liked it and 2 of them hated it. that means that there’s a lot more red on that bar than green. i watch a lot of youtube music videos and the typical like/dislike ratio of green to red looks like it does for hall and oates:
a bar of green with a sliver of red. because i only listen to awesome music i guess.
anyway, seeing that bar of red on the fretter video was just kind of a shock. i’ll have to keep drinking a little bit to emotionally absorb the shock. alcohol: nature’s shockpads i guess.
see, look at this dance hit from the circa 2008 era - 0 fucking dislikes:
oh fretter, there’s no room for you in a changing world.
i just turned the tv on to watch some netflix instant and gwyneth is cooking on tv with ellen. they are making vegan paella. it’s completely vegan.
what was that that she put in? oh yea just spanish saffron. and some pimenton from spain which ellen has NEVER EVEN HEARD OF. ellen also doesn’t know what sweating is for an eggplant.
what is that pan gwyneth? it’s just a paella pan. it’s pretty inexpensive and it’s pretty perfect for paella. so the rice just cooks like that? yea it’s paella rice. but you can use arborio rice or whatever, risotto rice, whatever shitrice you have just lying around.
also kale chips are so easy. you give them to your kids and they eat them like potato chips and it is just so awesome. gwyneth doesn’t even know how long they cook for, they just come out and shove themselves down your children’s throats and health them.
like 3 people just clapped when gwyneth said vegenaise? ellen is being funnier than gwyneth. they are making jokes about how hot the paella is, only like 2 people laughed for those cuz they were so bad.
as you know i’m in the hip hop school of cooking. i even own the isaac hayes cookbook, cooking with heart and soul. as part of my advanced studies in the hip hop school, i deal with original works in higher hip hop cooking theory (seminar 363).
you know inspiration comes from all corners and for the last six months i have been suckling at the sweet fleshy tit of tupac amaru shakur inspyration. my favorite 2pac song is i ain’t mad at cha.
i hope you like my “reimagining” if you will, or perhaps a channeling even, of 2pac’s life blood and thug-based spirit in the ripe, rich vein of 21st century cooking life.
[Verse One: 2Pac]
Now we was once two students of the same kind
Quick to cut our froze burritos with the same knife.
You was just a little squarer but you still tried
Made a duck con shit for girlfriend and you felt fried
'Member FRYING duck con shit? didn't quite cook.
in the kitch making ‘wich from that shit book.
now 25, livin life in the “cooklyn”
Oh you a FOODIE now, cheese in muslin
Heard you might be comin here, eat some rample pie
"fancy" pizza topped with matzah and some bonsai
I seems I lost my little homie he’s a changed man
Hit the ‘klyn and now no takeout is the game plan
When I say i like “well done” all you see is the struggle
When I eat some frozen peas you tell me it’s trouble
Congratulation on the ‘ternship, I hope your mom knows
slice ny’s a legit site, and that’s no bullshittin
I know we grew apart, you probably don’t remember
I used to instant mashed potatoes, it never blocked my shitter
And I can see us after school, we’d BOOOMB
some english muffin pizzas with some cheese on
Now the whole shit’s changed, and we don’t even kick it
Got a kickstartr scheme, and you ain’t even with it
Hmm, knew in my heart you was the same motherfucker
snort wasabi off a roll, you got a brother’s back
And I can’t even trip, cause I’m just laughin at cha
You tryin hard to maintain, then go head
cause I ain’t mad at cha
(Hmm, I ain’t mad at cha)
[Chorus: Danny Boy]
I ain’t, mad, at cha [2Pac:] (I ain’t mad at cha)
I ain’t, mad, at cha
[Verse Two: 2Pac]
We used to be like distant cousins, mic’in hungry mans
killing hunger with some sugar, mushroom soup from cans
mixin up some puppy chow, shit was good i swears
I’m gettin blitzed and I reminsce on all the times we shared
Besides huffin slurpees wasn’t nothin on our mind
In time we learned to live a life of thyme
Rewind us back, to a time was much too young to know
I’m goin to grad school up at cornell, fuck this low wage shitshow
And even though we seperated, you said that you’d wait
Don’t give nobody our hot concept while I be “locked” upstate
kiss my pizza kiln goodbye, wipe the tears from its lonely eyes
Said I’ll return but I gotta fight the fate’s arrived
Don’t shed a tear, tho jesus there ain’t no pizza here
leavin you behind, no more pies, for a couple years
They got me goin mad, I’m knockin sense into their tastebuds
in my apt., thinkin, “Hell, I know one day I’ll be back”
As soon as I touch down
I told my kiln I’ll be there, so prepare, to get rubbed down (with olive oil)
The homies wanna lick it, but I’m just laughin at cha
Cause youse a down ass bitch, and I ain’t mad at cha
[Chorus: Danny Boy]
I ain’t, mad, at cha [2Pac:] (I ain’t mad at cha)
I ain’t, mad, at cha [2Pac:] (A true down ass bitch, and I ain’t mad at cha)
[Verse Three: 2Pac]
Well guess who’s movin up, this “student“‘s ballin now
Bitches be callin to get it, bloggers keep fallin down
He went from nuthin to lots, ten carrots to burdock
Went from a nobody cooker to the big man on the block
He’s Mister local celebrity, addicted to muscadines
Most hated by tumblrines, escape into chokeberries
See, first you was our partner but you made it, so the choice is made
Now we gotta slay you why you faded, in the younger days
So full of pain while the fires blaze
bloggin for thrifteats hopin that we make it to the better days
Cause food pays, and in time, you’ll find a wood fire that BLAZE
You’ll feel the fire burnin dollars outta creme brulees
So many changed on me, so many tried to plot
That I keep a wok beside my bed, when will it stop?
Til God return me to my essence
Cause even as a adolescents, I refuse to be a convalescent
So many questions, and they ask me if I’m still down
I moved up out of tumblr, so I ain’t real now?
They got so much to say, but I’m just laughin at cha
You niggaz just don’t know, but I ain’t mad at cha
[Chorus: Danny Boy]
I ain’t, mad at cha [2Pac:] (and I ain’t mad at cha)
Iiiiiiiii ain’t mad [2Pac:] (hell nah I ain’t mad at cha) at cha
I ain’t, mad at mha [2Pac:] (nand I ain’t mad at cha)
do you guys buy all of your wine at smart and final too? why do they carry red and green varieties of el yucateco but not the delicious brown kutbil-ik? kudos to smart and final for now carrying normal-sized cans of chickpeas instead of 20 pound cans of chickpeas which are so hard for our DINK household to use (is “DINK” still used? or is it one of those pre-9/11 words?). unfortunately, they still only carry the 20 pound triple wide version of secret ladies deoderant and unfortunately since i am still working on porking out my armpits, their size is not yet appropriate for my underarm area. as a result, i’ve just been going au naturale in armpits for a couple weeks (hi coworker readers!!!)
i am drinking beringer 09 smart and final pinot grigio and watching daily shows online. that jon stewart’s still got it!
i was just watching this video for can you feel it and thinking about how the bloodroot collective would probably be down with the jacksons’ self actualizing message and the woman positive shape of the person in the gold bodysuit.
however, i don’t think they’d be down with this other instance of a hot bitch in a gold bodysuit:
i mean, what can you do - france has apparently 100 vegetarians total. it’s not surprising that they are not down with with buying what the bloodroot collective is metaphorically selling.
when i looked up how to drink bourbon, i clicked on the very first hit. it looked good cuz it was on a forum called straight bourbon. this was the post. you know it’s legit cuz the original post is from 2002, back when our choices of politically liberal bloggers to follow was so much narrower than it is now. seeing that little dancing lock in the style of a certain “famed on the internet” banana just brought waves and waves of something over me.
there it is. what is that something?
what is it that comes over a man when the eyes reel wildeyed from all of that white text on all of that black background? when series of boxes with text are above other boxes with text. how many posts has sandiegojohn89 made? when did he first join? why can’t i forget the forum life?
gifs for avatars, anime quotes with ~*>o.O<*~ all over the place, traded accusations of noobitude, defense of one’s skills and the sharing of the fact that one has had sex, is currently having sex, has regular access to sex, and in fact holds down a really fat job and drives a fantastically good car.
is it a big pile of shit? a stinking shit taken all over everything? is that what’s missing?
a shit cake with fondant turdicues?
a shitcard, nori-thin?
a beautiful shitballoon filled almost to bursting with ass gasses, held aloft with the merest, barely visible string of hair pulled out of ass?
where are they the humble servants of chaos who with a wink and a smile shit all over everyone everywhere all the time? do they not too read thepioneerwoman.com? is it cuz bitches are always nice to each other and supportive of rising up together in taking care of their bodies and their families while nurturing their souls (and tummies!)
troll (internet) - where are you when we need your loki-esque gifts most? why hide away from the most robust corners of the femininternet? come out troll (internet), we have called you upon our massive troll horn of the wild, our brightest of troll bat signals.
in these last brittle, twilight hours before the iron paywall of europe descends on www.nytimes.com, we momentarily lift the veil of linkban with a brief memory-based retrospective down “dining & wine” lane. take a walk with me through the jagged streets of delishy memory. we’ll hold each others hands and hold 3 shots of curacao in all of our other hands.
remember that slow baked beans with kale that was at the top of the most emailed list for a legit eternity? was it march? was it february? why this recipe? why now? why ever.
mark bittman’s 5000 2 line recipes, appropriate for every season
mark bittman’s matrixes of soups including most baffilingly, vegetable broth with a piece of bread in it.
the one from the wine critic reflecting on his life and how exhausting it is to always be eating at fancy restaurants
man my memory is so bad that i literally can only remember things that happened this month like how veggie burgers are food now apparently
turkey day live advice column lol!
san francisco has italian restaurants. full disclosure: my daughter works at delfina
have you heard that philly has food?
have you heard that brooklyn has food?
have you heard that oakland has food?
have you heard that DURHAM has food?
have you heard of food processors?
the banh mi fiasco
it’s time to reclaim iceberg lettuce wedge salads, people.
mark bittman would like to give you some information about eating animals that you might not have heard before
a food manifesto
lol grilling season has begun!
something something redzepi
something something achatz
cooking with children
cooking for children
interactive photo grid of vegetarian sides
that vegan cupcake slut
2 words: pepperoni snow
that gluten free woman’s book is so good
magnum opus: napa county pollan bacchanal. clay oven. one fire. local produce. dead of winter. insensitive in our troubled times or just what we need to stoke the hearths of our inner fires????
i’m sorry for radio silence, everyone. like all of you, i’ve been grieving regarding the situation in japan. remarkable how many people have managed to pull through and pull together.
i’m particularly honored to be a part of the food community in moments like these when people can really pull together and make a difference through their skills and interests. it’s just amazing the kinds of things we can do together to make a difference - all because of the internet! here are just a few of the things that you couldn’t do when there were large scale disasters around the world 10 years ago before food blogs were really as developed and intertwined as a community. today we are not just intertwined with our fellow foodies, but intertwined with the people of japan. because let’s face it, we’ve all gotta eat and in difficult times, it’s hard to imagine many things being much more important than that!
so here are several of the things i’ve read about since the earthquake (aside from learning about reactors and potential radiation levels here in california, lol!):
i’ve seen a lot of logos for the japan disaster so far, most incorporating the “rising sun” element, so kudos to the designer of this one for ensuring that his logo wins the war of rising-sun-themed-japan-tsunami logos by specializing on the bakesale. just look at the comments on that generic tsunami logo post, 50 unemployed/freelancers all dyin to get a crack at that disaster logo market. all $_$ in their eyes.
anyway, that’s all beside the point. this logo is taking the world by storm. it’s on the official facebook page for the event and it’s fucking lighting the blog world up. here’s one, here, here, here, here, here, here. i’m not sure what got into these other guys, but all of these people did not get the message about the logo: here, here, here, here (vegan), here, here, and here. i’m not quite sure how we’re supposed to build momentum and gain viral status out there in the larger internet community without a unified front on the logo front. i’ll go ahead and email these other blogs and let them know about the official logo, just in case they haven’t heard about it! (i like to give people the benefit of the doubt :))
i feel really proud that this effort appears to have started in my area: “the bay area: on the front lines of the future of food and the future of food social marketing experiences in giving.”
i can hear you now tho, lol, “yea this is a great event, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FOOD!!!” it looks like most of the options are veering toward the normal bakesale fare, but it’s so heartening when the bakers manage to add a culturally sensitive spin to their creations:
in that spirit, in solidarity with the people of japan, i made a big batch of veggie sushi and spring rolls last week. i took some pictures, but only on my cell phone and they came out pretty bad, so i guess you’ll just have to imagine how good it was!
later in the week i made a sichuan style douhua, but i guess that’s more chinese and not japanese. :\
i also thought again about buying that japanese tofu cookbook i’ve seen a few times at nice price books, but some of the recipes call for shrimp and i try to limit myself strictly to vegetarian cookbooks. so, i didn’t get it, but i thought about it.
anyway, while i can’t participate in the bake sale because of my prior commitment to not doing fucking shit except playing civilization, i felt like i participated in my own little way with my sushi and a special tiny asian dish for my soy sauce and wasabi mix (the little dish has a little fish on it - even tho no fish died in my sushi).
the funny thing is, while i feel really great about what my online food community is doing to make a difference, and especially my role in it, i sometimes get a tiny twinge like “i just wonder if this is the best way that i can put my skills and talents to use to help people in japan?” i mean, i know that my main skills involve being a good friend, a pretty good cook, and a fucking killer blogger, but have i done the most i possibly can with these skills? maybe i should host some veggie japanese cooking classes for an intimate group of friends? maybe at like 40 bucks a head? then maybe i could film the classes and send em to the daily what with subject heading “FUN CREATIVE PROJECT TO HELP JAPAN (VIDEO).” then i could donate the money and finally become famous on the internet just like i always wanted - all while helping a good cause.
it’s just so exhausting being inspired all the time.
as with william gibson "My problem is that all things are increasingly interesting to me." this is both cory doctorow’s life philosophy and of course mine as well.apparently it’s the life philosophy of every commenter on that post also (no haters on boingboing???).
that’s why i’m trying to stay away from shine food blog as much as possible. there is just no pleasing some people and i swear, the commenters on there make it one of (if not the) rudest food community. and that’s when they’re not being the most apathetic, i mean only 56 comments on the breastmilk story? you can barely get these yahoo people enraged about a horrible thing let alone get excited about anything. it’s really a bummer. that’s all it is.
thankfully my new favorite inspiration source is pink of perfection and let me tell you, the commenters there really make it feel like a community. this is no ivillage bullshit with all those fake ass whores. this is the real deal. just ladies supporting each other. kind of like shape of a mother but you know, work safe.
she really lets it all hang out. like sometimes you can really feel the enthusiasm dripping out of every one of her perfect little pores nad you know me, i just get really down with that kind of thing. she takes things that might maybe seem trivial to some people (like rearranging the couch in your house) but makes them sort of like expand out to where it’s kind of emblematic of the larger life changes you can make with just one tiny baby step. altho i’m not really sure how i feel about her focus on the words full, abundance, and expansive. i mean i get what she’s trying to say, it’s buddhist. but it just feels a little like fatty to me. i mean, that’s totally just me and i’m probably reading it wrong.
but the thing i really like about her is just her way that she makes people feel optimistic in light of difficult situations. like in that post she talks about how she’s accomplished everything she ever dreamed of and despite all that she still feels like an empty fucking pile of emptiness shit. i relate to that. i’m sure you all do. the commenters are really supportive of her situation there and that’s what makes it a really good community. it’s not just about the really creative and yummy delicious recipes that she posts (that are very very affordable and don’t have all those ingredients that you’re scrambling to get), it’s about something more. something about having the people on the internet and they’re there for you especially when you share your life with them and with us as well, in a really beautiful moment of the way the internet makes us all really feel connected.
i’m not even drinking and 10 mins in, commando is already going really well! they should just call him girl george - it would definitely cut down on the confusion! in full agreement on that one arnold.
since it’s still a new year new you, we are launching a fucking hot new gimmick. that gimmick is that i will illegally scan several pages of books in my vegetarian cookbook shelf and then make lols about it. i hope that you guys are down for some oneliners cuz this is what we’re gonna do. and since i just finished watching universal soldier and the credits had the song BODY COUNT’S IN THE HOUSE, we’re gonna mark every post related to this new topic with a low res youtube of MOTHERFUCKING BODY COUNT’S IN THE HOUSE:
ok sorry i wrote that whole thing like 2 days ago when i wasn’t drinking but WAS watching universal soldier followed by commando. now i AM drinking and watching starman. do normal women usually fall asleep drunk in underpants and sweaters because it seems like her ass would get cold as hell. jesus this ghost alien is flipping pages in her photo album and now it entered a clip of hair? see girl this is why you don’t fall asleep in your underwear cuz when you wake up all drunk in your bedroom with your living room with that blue plasma glow you end up walking into it in your underwear. JESUS WHAT IS THIS FILTHY PLASTIC BABY OH MY FUCKING GOD IT’S A DEMON BABY OH JESUS WHY IS THIS HAPPENING OH GOD NOW IT’S A REAL BOY BUT NOW IT’S CLAY AGAINNNNN??????????? DEAR GOD THIS IS THE WORST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.
well nothing quite like that to sober me up.
i’m not sure i’m down with continuing to watch this movie.
i don’t know why i’m even bothering to keep drinking. anyway, mournfully, here’s my first book:
this is a very appropriate book for watching commando 2 days ago. here are some great lines from commando:
the girl says: “i can’t believe this macho bullshit”
a baddie says to arnold: “fuck you asshole!”
arnold responds: “fuck you asshole!”
the girl says: “these guys eat too much red meat!”
LOOK HOW APPROPRIATE THIS SHIT IS TO THE BLOODROOT COLLECTIVE! THESE BITCHES PROBABLY WEREN’T INTO COMMANDO CUZ THEY DON’T LOOK TOO INTO DUDES, BUT THEIR PERSPECTIVE IS VOICED IN THE DIALOGUE AND THE PHYSICAL PRESENCE OF THE MINORITY FEMALE’S VOICE IN THE MOVIE.
at another point, the lady says to arnold: “did anyone ever tell you you’ve got a lot of hostility?”
i feel like i’m really drawing a lot of psychic connections here. meat, masculinity, whiteness, food, violence. i mean, commando was going a lot better than starman. just as an update, this is turning into a nice atame-style stockholm syndrome movie with jeff bridges as the rainman robot/alien/kidnapper that girlfriend gets to believably fall in love with. this was really his rainman wasn’t it. what a fucking piece of shit. what a huge fucking letdown. in my own words: “he’s like a fucking really dumb rain man/robot/native american stereotype/alien/tarzan kidnapping poor girlfriend and forcing her to act like a lady in a movie by falling in love with her violent oppressor.” as the bloodroot collective might cry out in their mighty unified primal yell, “this is some fucking buuulllllllshiiiit. i can’t believe john carpenter wants us to believe that normal ass bitches are like ‘hey here’s my dead husband acting like a proper fucking fool and he kidnapped me. guess i’ll just have to fall in love with this dumb pile of hair.’”
anyway, let’s just say that lynn probably wanted to fucking stab linda in the eys on christmas, 1981 for giving her this goddamn book:
she probably felt the same way i felt when i watched the girl in commando working a rocket launcher. she probably felt like this: “man i would fucking kill for a rocket launcher. esp. to stab linda in the fucking EYES.”
oh great and now our kindly kidnapper resurrected a deer (take note bloodroots) and is walking through some flames holding the main lady like some gentle mentally-handicapped kidna-terminator.
sorry ladies, i’m getting just like rlly rly worked up by this movie and the political palate and swirling memories of commando from two days ago. but things are ok, i’ve got the bloodroot ladies to calm me down and center me and bring me back down to the things that ground women to the earth and generations of women in the past and future (pecan pies):
as you can see, every recipe in the book has an accompanying feminist quote. this one in particular seems particularly relevant to our stockholm problem in our heartwarming oscar-nominated movie of the night.
my favorite deployment of the feminist quote is on this page that describes an edible wild spring root in new england:
what is the juxtaposition of spinach salad with sherry dressing with “no more genocide in my name” trying to say here?
i made the following note on the draft of this post when i was watching commando (2 days ago):
"naked oily striped arnold is meleeing with the chainmail shirt handlebar mustache british guy. daggers lol."
here’s another one:
well, it’s all over. “”“rain/star/man”“”” just resurrected homegirl and she called the authorities to report that her earlier kidnap rescue call was “all bullshit.” and now a native american woman with a baby is prompting our handicapped hero to ask girlfriend about babies. well, guess that’s it. bloodroot collective is having one large collective cosmic sad at this pathetic portrayal of abject, complete female domination. if you’ll recall, commando was just as pathetic. arnold kidnap-guilts the poor main woman by telling her all about his kidnapped daughter (an intergenerational interracial string of violently and emotionally abducted women) and then teaches her how to shoot a rocket launcher and engage in other forms of violence (altho i’m ok with the rocket launcher), and then at the end they’re probably gonna live happily ever after cuz they smile at each other and then it cuts to black.
DEAR GOD AND NOW RAINSTARMAN AND MY HOMEGIRL ARE GETTING IT ON. THIS SOME BULLSHIT.
it’s hard to come up with the right words to describe my FEMALE wrath and depression at this situation. i’m not even watching the movie at this point. i can tell by the music that they’re still getting it on. it’s taking a while. ok now it’s over i think. yea there’s a helicopter, ok.
OH GOD JEFF BRIDGES JUST SAID “I GAVE YOU A BABY TONIGHT. A BOY BABY.”
what i’m trying to say is that as a lady, my mind is not really good at making the right words. when i have feelings, it’s so hard!!! i just get so angry and i wrrrRAAAHH i don’t even - it’s SO HARD to make the words. i just wish some smart people would have…help….help for my head (And my heart!!!) in making words (GOOD words) for my emotions. emotions hurt, inside. i just wnat help, with the words. :(
maybe this recipe for japanese soba noodles will have some words that will help me. maybe they will help…
have i not been reading shine food blog since jan. 14th?
the last post i remember reading is from jan 14th. about the banana problem.
there are so many posts we’re just gonna do it like “roundup style” that i’ve seen working really well for other blogs. i mean i don’t even read those kinds of round ups or click on them, but surely people must cuz why would more-seo-conscious blogs keep doing them if not for it working, right?
guuuuuuuys it’s been so long. my hatemachine…runnin on “2 dprsd 2 hate.” tonight’s drinking and watching netflix instant is the show louie and drinking a cocktail of vodka, like 2 month old tonic, and pulpy “citrus juice” i made in the food processor from a variety of citruses in the “throw away” bags of berkeley bowl + some split oranges we found in the courtyard from the courtyard giant orange tree that is too big for humans to reach the oranges (HOW DO HUMANS REACH ORANGES THAT ARE THAT HIGH?) and when they all fall, they split and get nasty. anyway, we picked them up even though they were split and molding over a little. but at least we’re one step closer to that forager lifestyle we all long for in our paleolithic dna.
so i read this really really interesting article about detroit. and we all know how detroit is really leading the way in terms of urban agriculture and reclaiming all that empty space and how they have sort of the one black urban agriculture person. oh man i’m so wrong about that. the one black urban farmer is in milwaukee and his name is will allen. he was profiled in the times! he fits snugly into my interests in ethnic hands holding things.
anyway the point is that you thought that detroit is prolly going to be rescued from its unfortunate state by urban farming - it’s really such an ideal situation. you know, like it’s huge (on a lot of square acres), and it’s got a lot of empty lots and houses that can be torn down. and then all the food can be local!
but it turns out that this is not the case :(
this is the interesting article i read! it’s sort of about detroit ruins, but more like the idea of detroit ruins. it’s not really in a food publication, but you know, i like to broaden my horizons sometimes (as i’m sure you do as well). here’s a little excerpt:
The third major subgenre of the popular Detroit narrative is a backlash against the pornographic excesses of the Lament and is, at best, an attempt to find a new definition of urban vitality. The Utopians are well-meaning defenders of the city’s possibilities. Locally, they are often politically active, often young, and, it should be noted, often white. This class of Detroit story chronicles Detroit’s possibilities, with a heavy emphasis on art and urban agriculture on abandoned land. It can also take the form of human-interest stories about local entrepreneurs persevering amidst the destruction. Toby Barlow’s series of New York Times articles on bicycling and one-hundred-dollar houses in the city anticipated a gentrification-fuelled Detroit Renaissance that most honest observers must admit will never come. (If Detroit is really so full of possibilities, why do so many of the possibilities so closely resemble a cut-rate version of what western Brooklyn already looks like?) Despite their differences, the common problem with many of the Lamenters and Utopians is that both see Detroit as an exception to the contemporary United States, rather than as one of its exemplary places. Detroit figures as either a nightmare image of the American Dream, where equal opportunity and abundance came to die, or as an updated version of it, where bohemians from expensive coastal cities can have the one-hundred-dollar house and community garden of their dreams.
wow, fuckin harsh right? i mean, that’s just bullshit cuz like, what does this guy have against just people trying to have urban farms and minimize their impact on the environment and drive to their urban farm on their bike (in all weather these days - got really nice rain and snow gear) and have really great, fresh, healthy food. and like it’s not like detroit is a great place to live, you know? like it’s fucking cold. and windsor is like right there beckoning with all that free health care (could really use a cleaning :( ). and you know, trying to make community in detroit isn’t THAT easy cuz all their friends are out winning local latte art awards in SF or only now getting into local charcuterie in “bkln” so it’s a small community in detroit, but you know they’re fucking hardcore. and everyone’s super friendly so it’s cool. i mean, they do it cuz they love it. that’s the fucking point.
the point is who the fuck is that guy anyway. his magazine has a generic comcast icon in the tab like where the g is for google or the litl t for tumblr. dumb.
anyway, i guess the article has a point. i mean it’s real. you knwo, “meta.” a lot of new things for me to process and try to reconcile. as a white woman you know like the things he had to say about race in the urban ag movement just hit kind of close to home.
i mean, IT’S KIND OF RIDICULOUS that when you look up “black urban farmer” you get the milwaukee guy, and then the rest are white people.
and then more pictures of the milwaukee guy.
AND to drive it home, the editor’s recommended article at the bottom of the detroit ruins article is “Food Among the Ruins”!!!:
Detroit, the country’s most depressed metropolis, has zero produce-carrying grocery chains. It also has open land, fertile soil, ample water, and the ingredients to reinvent itself from Motor City to urban farm. Mark Dowie’s immodest proposal…
ugh. fuuuck. i wonder if my friend in SF has heard of this guy who won the 2008 world latte art competition. daaaaamn that’s a fat mount fuji.
"come on mom, don’t you think they’re funny! look at that ham!!!"
"no. oogh, no that’s disgusting. i don’t think they’re funny at all."
when you know you haven’t had a drink in 3 days:
that friends theme song really resonates. yea: “when it hasn’t been your day or week or month, or maybe your year.”
this absolut ruby red is actually pretty good.
krycek is such a fox. are those gray eyes?
how am i going to recreate the dynamic multimedia experience of my tumblr into a book when i get my book deal? like i really try to create a severe multimedia experience for my readers with blinhgees, interactive content (remember that one time i did a poll that only 3 of you fuckers answered? i’m still bitter.), photo essays (hyperbole and a half is such an inspiration!), inter-post referencing/dialogue. this shit doesn’t easily lend itself to the straight narrative format, you know? anyway, just something to think about.
man i love getting inspired.
is pajeon an appropriate dinner for lunar new year’s eve? i suppose at least it’s another pancake to cross off the list. fuck i already made pajeon and it’s already in the list of pancakes. this is bullshit.
man i got caught up with this crazy hairstyle website and i just went wild with putting food personalities into it. here are some of hte ones i made.
oh who’s peeking out of that face is it ree drummond????
i gave heidi a couple makeovers too:
"san francisco ‘93 heidi":
my favorite tho for face convergence and tits is “sara jessica heidi”:
i tried to do some of the recent winners of ree drummond’s “come and stay at my house” contest that got her like 100k comments, but she didn’t even post any goddamn pictures of them. 20000 pictures of melting butter and barely even a mention of the outcome of the contest where hte prize is to literally hang out at your house??? fucking letdown. fuck.
i’ve been trying to let my creativity loose in 2011 so i went for it. i just went for it:
i added lipstick to this one (you can see it in the bottom corner but it didn’t come out very good):
i really like how the green in the cilantro really matches the green of the background in this one:
i even tried to get my sad ham involved but it came out kinda weird:
WOW all that creativity!
but you know like once you start creating, it’s hard to control yourself! so i started getting even crazier like i felt bad that the sad ham only had one eye and that it looked so fucking sad. so i tried to like make it happy a little:
i made it another eye and made the mouth a little better so that it’s not like too sad anymore.
then i made this one cuz i liked that one with the cilantro so much. i’m really proud of how it came out and i really think i’m gonna try to be more creative in everyday life you know, like i usually express my creativity through cooking and baking and stuff like that but i don’t really get like creativecreative. anyway, here’s my “arc du triomph” i hope you like it:
can you believe that i’ve never done an illustrated step-by-step photo recipe??
we’re gonna start right fucking now with WHAT I MADE FOR DINNER TONIGHT. tofuckingnight. i shit you fucking not. i ate this food tonight. almost 2 hours ago.
i made 2 types of very large ravioli: multimushroom and normal. i had a thin, “brodo-like” sauce for the top. ok here goes.
hahahaha, i don’t have matching bowls but look at all the different kinds of mushrooms i got to put in the ravioli!!!
haha oh i forgot about one bowl, here’s a picture with ALL the mushrooms
HHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH WATCH OUT WHAT’S ON THE DINNER TABLE????????
so the main drawback of this dinner was all the chopping! here are some pictures of my chopping:
here’s some closeup of my wrist so you can see the technique:
these photographs are probably really helpful, but here’s the deal: a major part of my freestyle hiphop cooking style is chopping things irregularly. i got over my garlic thing and now i just chop it just like this with a big knife! i’ve started doing it for mushrooms (as you can fucking see). to help you with your technique, here’s my instructional video:
ok i hope that helps you with your technique.
ok here’s a picture of all the mushrooms all chopped up!
HAHAHAH i accidentally took a video!!!!
ok here it is - finally frying!!!!
WOOOOOW here’s another angle:
a few more:
ok, reserve the liquid mushroom liquid for the brodosauce.
oh man, don’t give a lil beggar any ricotta cuz this is what you’re gonna get, lol:
here’s the ricotta/parmesan filling:
all right, fillings are done, liquid reserved, time for the filling process:
here’s the step by step:
ok phew, there we go.
wow look at all those raviolis all lined up:
alllll right now that you’ve folded everything up and have everything ready to go, get your water boiling and warm up your brodo sauce!
boiling boiling! mm mmm mmmm!
at the very end, give each person one of each kind of raviolo (1 mushrooms and 1 cheese). fucking SMOTHER it with the sauce:
shit that one’s not overhead and it’s like a little blurry…i got an overhead one too, here:
a couple more cuz this was such a fucking fantastic dinner:
ok great, now you can make these great huge mushroom ravioli! we enjoyed them A WHOLE LOT and i know you’re gonna love them as much we did!
ok my friend is in town and he needs specifically an acme sourdough baguette. not a fucking sourdough round or a sourdough loaf, but he wants that nasty, crunchy, “tastes hard even when it’s fresh” sourdough baguette - different strokes, tho, rite? and like they’re just in town for a few days, so we might as well fucking help them out with those nostalgic tastes of california living they used to know by satisfying their acme needs. they also never had those lovesticks, so i am looking for one of those for them too to blow their mind.
why does it have to be called a lovestick?
why are goddamn hippies so fucking predictable. why does a thing of bread have to say “it’s vegan!” on it - isn’t most goddamn bread already fucking vegan? and when it’s not it’s pretty obvious like that challah doesn’t look like that cuz it DOESN’T have eggs does it???
and finally, since we’re all going away for a few days for new year’s, in addition to the baguette and the …lovestick… i guess we’ll probably need just “normal bread” for everyday uses. and since it’s a special occasion and we want to impress everyone, normal bread is gonna have to be real bread.
(that’s sourdough but i prefer the real bread.) (why does a bing search of “vital vittles” return this as the first hit?
as a vegetarian, i don’t know if i feel comfortable with what bing is trying to tell me here.
so that’s it, i had 3 bread needs. a little specific sure, but not out of bounds in terms of everyday availability at berkeley bowl. and i was there pretty early..like what, around 230pm? not bad at all.
first stop - bakery area. all the acme is gone except one sourdough loaf. some old slut grabs it before i have a chance to decide that if there’s no sourdough baguette, a sourdough loaf will have to work. i’m not about to settle for some semifreddi’s bullshit. 0 for 1.
goddamn lovesticks have their own specialized shelving display, so that’s where we head next. there is literally nothing in this shelving display. all i can think about is how my literal family left the actual soviet union partially because of the fact that there were vast empty shelves where bread ought to have stood. not trying to equate suffering 100%, but still, i think i’ve made my point. 0 for 2.
it all came down to the fucking packaged bread area.
vital vittles shelves are a fucking wasteland. 3 loaves of raisin bread. how the fuck are we supposed to pile our tofu scrambles on top of sturdy slices of whole wheat raisin bread. what kind of vegan hiking sandwiches are we supposed to make with fucking raisin bread. this is fucking unacceptable. 0 for 3.
one package of northwest trail mix , a big thing of bulk roasted dry chickpeas, and 3 packs of soy nog later, i get back in the car with no fucking bread. (remarkably, northwest trail mix is the only pre-made trail mix with dried fruit that doesn’t have filthy chocolate or caramel chips in it!! pro tip!!! all the other ones that have nuts AND fruit have chocolate. and who wants a big pile of salty nut mix without fruit, right?)
i guess i can always stop by the whole foods on the way back. it’s definitely not ideal, but it is kind of on the way back.
whole foods redesigned the layout of their bread bakery area. i couldn’t even find it last time. this time there was a sign. jesus, they had some lovelorn lovesticks. acme breads? only a sour round that felt about 20 years old. yea i get that it’s all rustico but at a certain point when i’m lookin all wolflike rippin through that hardass crust with my back teeth, it passes over to “stale as hell.” so i got all weak. i got another la brea bread (it was a multigrain, ok?). 1 for 2, but at least i had 2 goddamn LOAVES. vital vittles was once again a shitshow. it looked like it was raisin bread all over again but let’s be honest i’m not sure because the only loaves that were left were way on the top shelf all the way in the back and i’m too goddamn short to be like climbing up the bread shelf with white people all around trying to decide which of the milks in the glass bottles are going to do it for them tonight.
so that’s it. that’s all i had. i came home tired, in the dark, to my people playing video games and all i had to show for it was 1 correct loaf, 1 incorrect loaf, and nothing to put the tofu scramble on.
i was just having dinner of (la brea) bread (LA bread!!! - i felt bad cuz it was from so far away!!!! it’s so good though!!!! a rare treat from the whole foods i never goto) and (trader joe’s) cheese and a 40 of heineken while watching reno 911 on the instant. i was trying to get some humor inspiration from gofugyourself but EITHER I’M NOT TOO DRUNK OR IT’S NOT TOO FUNNY.
let’s just say that i misread this self-description of the writers of gofugyourself by uh one letter: “fake dialogues written by a bunch of bloggers with fingers steeped in sass.”
uughh blogging is so exhausting. the worst part is coming up with pictures for every post. i mean i know that it’s really important to have pictures in every post that you make. but it’s just so exhausting just googling things to match with your posts or going through your tumblr dashboard to find a good food porn. i’m just really overwhelmed with options.
and all the food porn is starting to look the same. i’m just like whatever, whatever, whatever…oh another cupcake. oh another peaceful life of coffee and a good-looking pastry. oh, a panini. i’m just getting a little bored and feel like if this tumblr is going to get ahead, you know, i gotta take it to the next level.
it really reminded me of this commercial:
you know? i was thinking about how to move beyond the still, just like they said.
and you know, a little bit after i saw that, i thought that it would be really fun if i started to pepper my posts with something new. that something new, IS RIGHT FUCKING HERE:
food gifs! did you even know about them being around?
there are some more food gifs:
some are only tangential, but i think they count too. they’re of people eating:
i’ve looked at a lot of food porn gifs and they break down along the following categories:
manic repeats of a micro-money-shot
photoshop re-creations of normal food gifs in the style of the internet:
and then, if you’ve been reading my twitter you wouldn’t be really excited by this next part, BUT if you like twin peaks combined with that movie that the kids like (the room) and you want to make this face (
it was a good job, but you failed. so here is the report on the rite-aid food gift selection in their christmas section. to serve the consumer even more (and in the spirit of mary ann romans), i also went to walgreens. so you are gonna have both.
ok here is rite-aid:
so we’ve got coffee grinder, coffee machine, beverage center, toaster oven, george forman, electric tea kettle, blender, coffee grinder, food processor, juicer, and hand blender. that hand blender looks a lot like what i imagine immersion blenders to look like. but it looks like you can only use this one in mixed drinks and shakes:
it says shakes, drink mixes, eggs, dips, batters & more. i mean i really want an immersion blender for my soups. but will 100 watts be enough? i got into some real trouble the other day when i tried to use my hand mixer in a soup. it really crystallized my immersion blender needs. for only $16, maybe i could get this hand blender and use it for soup instead of the immersion blenders which start at like at least $30. but what if it doesn’t work on soup? i’m having anxiety about using this for “off label” purposes. :(
i have to think about this more. in the meantime, here are the walgreens items:
ok, so walgreens has rice cooker, electric kettle, toaster, omelette maker, single burner, pot and pan set, baking sheet set, food processor, and hand mixer.
it’s remarkable how a similar group of items at both stores for similar prices yields so little actual overlap in items. the only items that both stores are selling are electric kettle and food processor! both items are also way cheaper at walgreens. walgreens also is the only one that has the true marker of poverty: the single electric burner. the most expensive item at walgreens is $25 (both multi-piece sets) while the most expensive item at rite-aid is $30 AND rite-aid is clearly for riches because they have a bunch of stuff over the max price at walgreens. as a final point of comparison, i looked at which store supplied the least necessary item. it was a tough call between electric omelette cooker and…immersion blender. but considering that omelette cooker is 1) cheaper and 2) more of a novelty item, immersion blender, and by proxy, walgreens, totally wins. is it common knowledge that rite-aid is for wealthy people and walgreens is for poors? they sit caddy corner from each other in our neighborhood and i have always used both interchangeably, so i always assumed they were the same, but apparently not!!!! i still kinda want that immersion blender!!! :\
i was just reading this interesting article about gen y people creating their own jobs when i remembered that i don’t yet have a fucking book deal. what are you people doing? why aren’t you word of mouthing me and recommending me to your people so that the little tumblr followers number just goes up up up??? are you making tumblr posts on things that you come up with on your own and find interesting instead?
i’m going to join their little gen y club just to get some start up funding for more alcohol to increase posting frequency. maybe some new pj’s too so that it’s triple comfortable when i lie half-upright in bed drinking and reading the internet.
if you’d like to promote me, i’ve got some sample text for your tumblr or other online presence:
"hot new "food satire" tumblr "all the umbles baked in a pie" (is that un-seo-friendly or what?) has been around for quite some time. it’s amazing that it’s flown under the radar for so long considering how much funnier it is than almost all other food-related humor out there. with tongue planted firmly in cheek, the oakland,ca-based author skewers such mainstays of the online food scene as ree drummond (“the pioneer woman”) and heidi swanson (of 101 cookbooks fame). and if you’ve never read shine food blog, prepare to meet your new favorite food read! we caught up with the author (who would only grant us an interview via gchat) and they had this to say:
<yourself>: so what makes your tumblr different from all the other food humor tumblrs? (we mean “shut up foodies.”)
all the umbles: well it’s funny you should ask! there are actually two ways that all the umbles is different. 1. is that we really focus almost exclusively on the online food world (i coined the term “foodternet” to describe it) as opposed to all food content out there. we don’t really do restaurants or food network or celebrities. all those people do well enough making themselves look like fucking clowns. and 2. “shut up foodies” is so fucking shitty.
<yourself>: haha, you’re more charming than i would have thought! so what motivated you to start writing on this topic?
all the umbles: overwhelming self-loathing.
anyway, that was just a sample of the easy wit and full-bodied enthusiasm that drips off every word at all the umbles baked in a pie. check out the site yourself - maybe you too will recognize something of yourself in the cross-hairs of its schizophrenic, ever-roving, single red eye of hatred that lasers in on whatever it wants to fucking eat the joy out of.”
ok i hope that meets the tonal requirements of whatever website you run. you can modify it if you like, but please keep the basic character of it.
it’s really important for me to get more followers and then get a book deal because if i don’t, i’m going to have to downgrade from shine food blog to frugal living at families.com. same kicky, breezy tone. same helpful lifestyle advice, more kill-yourself points.
This very economical recipe was created as one of my desperation dinners. In fact, I prepared this dish last night and wrote up the recipe as I went along. It was way past dinner time, and I need to get something good on the table
I’m not proud to say that there is a gingerbread kit sitting on our dining room table, even as I write this. Sure, I can rationalize that the kids have been begging for for the last two years and I was probably planning on getting one anyway, but did I bother to compare pricing at all? Did I head over to the baking aisle to see if there were other brands that were less money? Did I just get the idea that we could make one ourselves from scratch. Nope! I plunked down $14.95 for the kit.
and here’s “you know you’re really frugal when…" which definitely helps when "you need a quick laugh or some more ideas on how to be frugal.” i laughed a lot when i read these:
You look forward to ironing just so you can warm up your hands on the ironing board when you are done (free heat).
You look forward to the day you’ve save up enough for that big ticket item at the thrift store.
You make do with newspaper until the price of toilet paper goes down.
You check the coin star machine at the grocery store to see if anyone left any extra money in the machine.
You cut the elastic out of your old underwear to reuse it.
You make a soup out of the contents of fast food ketchup and a little water.
You collect sugar packets and use the sugar for your baking.
You wear worn out shoes or no shoes in the house to save wear on your “good” shoes.
You ask your co-workers for their lunch baggies so you can take them home, wash them out and reuse them.
You’ve found a way to reuse dryer lint.
You don’t throw away a pencil until it is smaller than a thumbnail.
You save spare loose threads from your clothes to darn your socks.
You cut up your plastic grocery bags into strips and crochet pot holders with it.
You save the crumbs from cereal boxes to use as a topping for baked chicken.
You save the salt from the bottom of a bag of bargain pretzels to use on your own homemade pretzels.
You take baths and showers in the dark to save electricity.
You boil your eggs in your chicken soup stock to save money on gas or electricity.
You use both sides of a post it note before recycling it.
You go through your garbage to see what the rest of your family is unnecessarily throwing out and then rescue the items.
who ARE you mary ann romans? why aren’t you taking advantage of cross-marketing to the environmental/sustainable crowd? you’re over here in the poverty corner of the internet. you think that dick guy that made the documentary about being “no impact man” would be interested in your tips? since actual late 2008 when we saw that whole batch of “gourmet during financial crisis??” food stories (aside from that one sad one about the unemployed seattle food writer), i haven’t seen any food community discussions of actual poverty. what i’m trying to say is that YOU SHOULD REALLY TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT MY FOOD TUMBLR BECAUSE OF MY NEED OF A BOOK DEAL. I AM GOING TO DO THE “FOOD GIFTS OF THE RITE-AID CHRISTMAS SECTION” POST UNLESS I GET 5 NEW FOLLOWERS IN THE NEXT 24 HOURS. JUST WATCH THIS BLOG DESCEND INTO THE FILTHY FILTHY POVERTY ADVICE SHEET FROM ITS CURRENT CAREFREE PERSPECTIVE OF INHERITED WEALTH. AND IF I DO GET 5 NEW FOLLOWERS, I WILL DO A POST ON “50 CREATIVE USES OF TRUFFLE OIL.”
"the greeks all come down from the mountains and open restaurants and make millions"
- my mother.
man you guys i gotta confess. hit the “ctrl r” rather than the “ctrl t.” DAMN. lost the whole post. let’s see, what was i going for like uh “i just read a bunch of gofugyourself so fuck you if you don’t like this sassy attitude! those gals they have such a way with the english language. i’m gonna start using “lady garden” when i mean vagina and call that girl “lush” when i mean “fat as hell.”“
we’re drinking and watching netflix instant again and the topic of tonight’s post is “fuck you, forageSF.” we are drinking whiskey-based well drinks and watching Police Academy! because damn, Leslie Nielsen…what can i say? a life well lived. you know a lot of the classic comedies are not funny for adults (animal house). but policy academy is FUNNY AS HELL. (man i wish you guys could hear my southern accent. it’s so good.) on the menu for tonight was really leftover wonton soup (with homemade dumplings tho!) and doritos dust. i was hoping for a vegan day today, but apparently doritos are no longer vegan. oh well, it was a mostly vegan day.
have i told you guys the title of my next book? it’s “on a windy day, you can fart forever.”
so forageSF, they blackmailed me into signing up for their goddamn mailing list because i thought i might attend their “underground market” and you had to sign up for the mailing list beforehand to get in. unfortunately after i signed up, i rolled past that underground market and saw that i’d have to stand in line for an hour in order to have the privilege of paying $2 to enter a parking lot where people at folding tables might be able to sell me $10 empanadas. let’s just say that i kept right on rolling.
so since i signed up for that list, i’ve gotten two emails from them:
an invitation to a fully foraged 6 course dinner that had 12 spots open for RSVP for the reasonable price of $100 a person
an imploration to call my congressperson to urge them to vote against an upcoming food safety bill.
i received the second email yesterday and was like “weird i bet it must be about some new food safety bill in addition to the one that just passed.” this email certainly seemed to describe a different food safety bill from the one i heard about. this food safety bill would be a disaster for the forageSF community and would make it a crime to GIVE FRUIT FROM YOUR BACKYARD TREE TO YOUR NEIGHBOR! I SHIT YOU FUCKING NOT:
“There is a bill being voted on tomorrow (Monday) that could completely destroy what we are all trying to build in the SF food community. I don’t usually speak out against congressional bills, I think that more good is done focusing on building locally rather than getting angry about what is happening on the federal level, but this bill needs to be stopped.
SB510 is a food safety overhaul that authorizes fines up to $250,000 for doing exactly what we do at the Underground Market. Selling food made in home kitchens. Killing small food producers, while allowing big business to thrive. It even makes it illegal to give away food from your own home garden.
Food safety is very important, but we need a bill that will protect small scale businesses, rather than the large scale producers to who are often behind major food borne outbreaks.
This bill would theoretically make every vendor at the Underground Market liable for a quarter million dollar fine for selling you a jar of jam. It could also make you liable for those same fines for giving away your backyard veggies to your neighbor.”
like i do with all politics email, i fucking deleted the hell out of that shit.
so this afternoon, forageSF dropped another fucking email in my inbox??? what’s this forageSF? you have an update?
So some new information has come to light since I sent that email about SB510. The food safety and modernization act: 1. I got it wrong. Yesterday I emailed people about speaking out about this bill, since I felt it could endanger the underground food movement by hurting small producers. Turns out the bill was already voted on last Monday, a week before I sent the email, and I really didn’t have all the information being making a decision. The articles I was reading did not give a date, and for some reason I got it into my mind that it was this Monday. Feeling a sense of urgency, I sent an email without realizing that it already passed, as well as not knowing the finer points of the bill, my apologies. 2. Another fact I failed to realize is that the bill had been very much improved with the addition of the Tester-Hagan amendment. With Tester-Hagan, local growers and sellers are given a pass on some of the more onerous measures of the bill. As I understand it, the amendment exempts food producers making less than $500,000/year, those that sell directly to consumers, and to customers within 275 miles of their farm. It also exempts producers that are already inspected by a local government agency (such as the health department). Further, the idea that back yard gardeners being prosecuted for giving away veggies seems to be a media fabrication. The more I read about this bill the less sure I am about any position.
oh to see the emails this fuckhead received in response to his first mass mailing. hey forageSF: go fuck yourself you piece of shit. i am unsubscribing from you and subscribing to the san francisco mycological society. take that you fuckballs.
Aries, as nobody else, must have rational invalid food
food horoscope was entirely too accurate today:
Giving in to temptation today could be easier than fighting the good fight. Guilt might not let you do that, so hang in there. Those cravings for sea salt and vinegar potato chips might be intense now, but they can’t last forever. Have mango slices or a cup of yogurt to tide you over until they subside. This, too, shall pass.
i made myself an egg and cheese and leftover veggie gravy from thanksgiving sandwich (haha the gravy was still good!!!) with a side of pickles for breakfast. it was pretty good :(. i came up with a good name for it when it goes on the menu at the vegetarian russian/??? fusion restaurant i’m gonna open with my mom. it can be “the filthy vegetarian” to really counteract the stereotype that i am REALLY REALLY SICK OF that vegetarians like to be healthy and that vegetarian food just HAS to be healthy! down with stereotypes!!! like this part in the super mario bros movie where we find out that princess daisy is a vegetarian:
STEAMED VEGETABLES DAISY????? THAT’S ALL YOU’RE GONNA HAVE??? ALSO I BET FUCKING YOSHI WOULD LOVE THAT FUCKING RAW MEAT BUT NO YOU SEND IT BACK. wait, sorry i’m wrong about yoshi. according to the canon, a green yoshi’s favorite foods are
of those, 2 are definitely vegetarian although they would most likely not be included in a plate of steamed vegetables. although, we all know (and support) how this movie deals with the mario canon, so in the world of the film specifically, I BET YOSHI WOULD FUCKING EAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT RAW MEAT.
so, anyway, i learned on the tv show kitchen confidential (which i watched when i didn’t know who anthony bourdain was and you know, it’s funny, cuz i bet we all had this experience, but when i finally saw a picture of bourdain and i was like yea this is the guy the show was based on i had one of those like “really? this guy? bradley cooper? huh.”) is that when your restaurant is losing money you need to have brunch. and considering the fact that as we learned from our review of the russian food blog world, russian food is basically a ticket to not making money, we’re gonna need brunch to make this restaurant work. i mean, basically this could be a brunch-only restaurant because of the many great russian brunch options:
boiled potatoes and salad with a platter of cheese
although i love many vegetarian russian/??? foods, traditional, non-fusion russian food really shines in the brunch category. i just need to come up with a lot more names. althou the filthy vegetarian is a good start i think.
when i was looking up my food horoscope for today, all of my internet unfortunately collapsed in on itself like in that movie inception because my eye happened to perchance upon Cooking Horoscope on Russian Foods.com.
Cooking Horoscope on Russian Foods.com is not quite the same as the daily foodscope i’m used to reading. the main difference is that like the soviet regime, it never changes. it stands firm as if in a bulwark against the winds of change and the weaknesses of men. it doesn’t update every day with a new capricious recommendation. it just presents one monolithic recommendation per sign that will shine like a beacon in the night lighting the way for the forever future. In its own words, “There is some useful advice that can be not to your liking, but think of this horoscope as the recommendation of your doctor.”
so i guess with that in mind, i had a look at my own food horoscope.
everything started very well: “The best vegetables for them are turnip, beet and cabbage.”
and unfortunately some of the advice (as the site indicated it might) was not to my liking: “They will be delighted with escargot soup and baked shellfish. To complete the dinner, serve grill-cheese.”
so i dunno, we’ll see if this has major effects. it’s a good thing i didn’t get something like cancer’s one: “Cancerians, by the nature, are the slaves of the stomach and they need to keep to a strict diet.” that would’ve been fucking horrible. it’s bad enough about the foodscopes scorpio illustration (i know you’ve seen it, but you’ve gotta look at it again. i’m serious.) is severely mean:
i guess cancer gets humiliated both by the russian site and the foodscope site tho:
i’m not sure if i have time to deal with the entirety of this image (mostly the way the crab is wearing a bib that means “i am prepared to eat lobster”), so, PLEASE just send any suggestions for menu items and menu item names for the russian/??? vegetarian restaurant to my ask page: http://umblepie.tumblr.com/ask
I MADE DUMPLINGS. i made FUCKING DUMPLINGS. I HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU - I DID NOT MAKE HTE DUMPLING SKINS SO THE WHOLE THING WAS KIND OF BULLSHIT. BUT I BOUGHT THEM FRESH FROM OUR LOCAL CHINESE NOODLE COMPANY. there were AT LEAST 6 DIFFERENT OPTIONS IN DUMPLING SKINS.I GOT THE ONE KIND OF CIRCLE ONE (VERY THICK) AND 2 DIFFERENT KINDS OF SQUARE ONES (VERY THIN AND MEDIUM THIN):
HOOOOOOLLLLYYY SHITTT I MADE FUCKING DUMPLINGS.
I MADE 2 DIFFERENT KINDS OF FILLINGS - A CRUDO “ASIAN SLAW-STYLE” FILLING AND A HEARTIER MORE MEAT-PROFILED KIND OF FILLING (“SAUTEED TEMPEH, MUSHROOM, ETC). BOTH FILLINGS HAD THE SAME BASE OF CARROTS, CABBAGE, GARLIC, GINGER, ETC - HOW FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT? I JUST SORT OF BUILT UP FROM THE BASE INTO 2 DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
HAHA SURPRISINGLY IT TOOK FOREVER BUT I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB:
FFFFFUUUUUUCK I DID A GOODASS JOB WITH DELICATE THINGS!!! IT WAS FUCKING CRAZY!!!
HERE ARE SOME PICTURES WHERE IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR FACE IS RIGHT UP IN THOSE DUMPLINGS:
IT’S LIKE YOU’RE BURYING YOUR FACE DEEP IN TEN MILES OF FUCKING DUMPLINGS:
IF YOU YOURSELF ARE GOING TO MAKE DUMPLINGS, I DON’T LIKE TO MAKE SUGGESTIONS, BUT IT HELPS TO WATCH SOME YOUTUBE VIDEOS (TURN OFF SOUND - FOR FULL FOCUS). THIS GIRL WAS PRETTY PRO (2 HAND TECHNIQUE):
THIS INDIVIDUAL HELPED ME WITH THE SQUARE ONES:
THESE WERE NOT HELPFUL:
UNFORTUNATELY I FUCKED UP THE FRYING/STEAMING. AT LEAST IT WAS A GOOD SHOW FOR THE THANKSGIVING PEOPLE WHO HUNG OUT IN THE KITCHEN WITH ALL THE SZZSSSSHHHH OF THE FRYING AND THE FSSSSSHHHH WHEN YOU PUT IN THE WATER. FUCK THAT SHIT WAS CRAZY - I’M SERIOUS YOU WOULD HAVE ENJOYED IT IF YOU WERE THERE.
look, cake is actually a good choice for breakfast. cake really has a lot of the things that a body needs in the morning. first of all, sugar. sugar provides a lot of energy for your body when you wake up. then it has dairy and eggs - both healthy. and of course carbo- carb, what do they call them? carbohydrates. all of these things give you a lot of energy and keep you full until lunch!
Grass Fed Beef Too Precious? TimesFood Writer Peter Meehan Vents!!!
New York Times Magazine food writer Peter Meehan loves his meat grass-fed, his veggies local, and his salmon wild, but in a recent blog post, he vents his frustration with the increasingly precious food culture enveloping New York City.
In three hilarious vignettes, Meehan brings the reader on a mini-tour of the new food scene.
Meehan defends eating based on convenience from time to time and brings some much needed humor to a food scene that might be taking itself a bit too seriously, potentially at the expense of future eaters…
oh ok, so this guy, who is actually really really committed to sustainable food, is rebelling against elitism in food culture by making some lols. ok maybe i can get down with that maybe it’ll be funny? ok here it is. three lols:
a man sold me a thing with a fancy name and insisted it was different from the normal thing but it tasted just like the thing. it would have been better if he had used the normal name.
The barista said, “You should really try that coffee without milk.”
i was offended by his forcing this shit down my throat.
I FUCKING GOT INTO A DISAGREEMENT WITH SOMEONE WHOSE RESTAURANT I GAVE A POOR REVIEW TOO AND HE TOLD ME I WAS A DECADENT FUCKING GOURMET AND HE INSULTED MY LOCALISM. LET ME DEFEND MYSELF NOW.
in other very important news, i was gonna ask the everyday russian blogger to do like a “hey we’re both russian!” tumblr interview because it’s the only non-shine food blog i like but it turns out that…i can’t … they deleted my comment…on this post about deep fried meat pastries. i don’t even know why. i mean, not like that blog gets all kinds of crazy comments all the time. and i am almost certain that the text of my comment was this:
DAMN GIRL. FFUUUUCK. those look really good. so when are you gonna post about pirozhki with all those great vegetarian fillings i love so much - cabbage and mushrooms, mashed potatoes, mmm mm mmm! i love your blog don’t ever stop!!!!
like it was all positive shit. i just don’t even know why they would do that i just don’t even know. i don’t know if i want to even do the interview anymore. i feel like this:
i just feel like all the saddest hams in the world.
i don’t even know. and goddamn apparently sad ham is also a food:
i mean, that looks pretty good… :( probably vegetarian.. :( goddamn sadham.
i’ll just probably read some not funny at all true narratives about people being good on the awl. test the strength of my hate. it’s easy to hate DR. PETER MEEHAN of the new york times magazine, but how easy is it to hate a person who is sharing a small, touching, meaningful event with a tragic ending? it’s just a small story about the kindnesses that make horrible life tolerable with a simple recipe at the end to drive home the smallness of the gestures we can make in this life. oh, just kidding. it’s fucking easy as hell. I FUCKING HATE FOOD WRITING. THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON WHY THERE HAD TO BE A RECIPE THERE. IT DOESN’T FUCKING BRING THINGS MORE INTO PERSPECTIVE. GOD I FUCKING HATE THE AWL. AND I FUCKING HATED RATATOUILLE.
the ketel one bar at hartsfield-jackson international
just take these mushrooms from my tongue
all the poor sauteeing my hands have done
let them get too mushy (broken down)
guess sauteeing skills are earned and not won.
with that in mind, i very much recommend to NOT GET the ceasar salad at the ketel one bar in terminal A of the atlanta harstfield-jackson international airport. i don’t think they freshly grated the parmesan (as it said in the menu).
me and the waitress when she brought me the salad:
me: wow that sure is a big salad.
waitress: well it’s just lettuce honey.
is this the kind of personal narrative that compels repeated page visits? i’m pretty close to writing some 2000 word awl-style personal narratives about lol seemingly fairly insignificant elements of our modern youth lifestile but that provide some larger insights into how we’re all getting by these days. a few choice nontraditional/funny uses of words, a little melancholy, a lot of “meditating on things.”
the ketel one bar doesn’t even have a yelp page. although other restaurants in hartsfield-jackson do and they have very good reviews. like chic-fil-a and popeyes.
steve b gave popeyes 5 stars:
I live in Atlanta and travel most weeks — I make it a point to stop by the Popeye’s in Concourse B — even if my flight is in another concourse. Why?
The chicken is really good and the people are super friendly. The manager call’s everyone ‘Baby’ - ‘What can I get you baby’? It may be 6:30am and I might not be awake yet but they always brighten my day.
kevin l has a different take:
CHAOS. ABSOLUTE CHAOS.
mom takes a phone picture of the bottles in the ketel one bar for george: